Four months ago I ended a relationship with a verbally-abusive alcoholic who was also dealing with mental illness. I spent two months after the split trying to fix him so he’d see that we should be together. I wanted to save him from himself because it made me feel worthy. I was outsourcing my self-worth, something I’ve struggled with for most of my life. Finally, two and a half months after we broke up, I told him I needed space to move on. I’m not sure what finally gave me the strength to do it, but it was like another part of me took over. I think of it as the “big sister” part of me that shows up to protect the hurt and scared younger sister part of me. Since cutting off contact, I started down a path of self-development, self-acceptance, and self-love. I’ve also gotten excited about my business, decorating my own apartment, and deepening friendships. My life is fuller, more exciting, and happier than it was while in my relationship. I listen to podcasts like Almost 30, Over It and On With It, and Self Service to reconnect with and learn how to care for myself. I’m reading books on co-dependence and meditation. I am delving into a spiritual journey which has led me back to astrology, something I was deeply interested in as a kid. All of this is to say that I am really fucking happy right now. Honestly, happier than I’ve been in years, but there is still a darkness that’s got its hooks in me. This darkness, the hurt and anger around the end of my relationship, has kept me from returning to yoga, starting a meditation practice, and tends to rear up right when I’m trying to fall asleep. I pack my days with activities and I’m constantly stimulating my mind with work, news, podcasts, or books. I know I’m avoiding the scary emotions that I want so badly to just leave behind. I was searching for something to help me work through the resentments I carry, but I wasn’t sure how to do it. That was, until I listened to the most recent episode of Self Service, a rad self-care podcast that everyone should be listening to, in which Jessica Lanyadoo (one of my favorite astrologers) talked about dedicating the upcoming moon cycle to a forgiveness ritual. In the podcast (and in a recent article), Lanyadoo reframes forgiveness as an act of self-healing that will set you free. She writes that “forgiveness is not about letting the ‘bad guy’ off the hook; it’s about taking the hook out of your own heart.” This is exactly what I needed to hear. I cannot condone the way I was treated in my relationship, but I can do the work of forgiving my ex in order to fully embrace the new life I’m creating for myself. Lanyadoo lays out a plan for a forgiveness exercise that begins on February 15th, with the new moon, and closes with the next new moon on March 17th. Lanyadoo suggests writing down everyone you are holding resentment towards — big or small — then taking a moment with each name to breathe and just feel everything that comes up. Stay present with those feelings, don’t skip to the end or dull your emotions, instead remain in that space and give your feelings the acknowledgement they deserve. Then, forgive that person. Lanyadoo goes on to say that if you cannot forgive at this time, then forgive yourself, and move on down the list. Continue this practice daily. I’ll be starting this new ritual on Thursday. I like that it provides dedicated time to feel the yucky stuff, which means that when it comes up during the day I can just put it aside and feel it later during the ritual. To be honest, I’m scared of doing this. I don’t want to cry anymore and I’m afraid of falling back into the bottomless depression I experienced the first months after the break up. But, with this plan and action steps, it feels more manageable. Plus, if some of you readers decide to do it with me we can support each other! So, here we go — let’s forgive the lame-os that hurt us and get to work accessing our higher selves by letting go and lightening up. PS I’ll be attending a manifestation workshop with Jessica Lanyadoo on March 3rd at Little Paper Planes in San Francisco. If you’re available, you should come! I’m super interested in learning more about manifestation (I am pretty sure I manifested my apartment) and excited to learn more about it from a dope astrologer. UPDATE: IT'S SOLD OUT. I'll write up a post about it after!
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About 4 months ago, I was taking pictures in a unicorn of an amateur photography studio. It was a 3’x3’ indoor landing for the front door to my second story apartment. It had white walls, a wood floor, a built-in shelf with hooks, and got great natural light for about 5 hours per day. It was a dreamy (but small) space for taking product photos. Then, I had to move suddenly (see my previous blog post for more on that) and found myself without a photography studio. Now, I live in my parents’ house where nearly every room (including my bathroom!) is carpeted, the walls in my room are a dark taupe color, and there are tall redwoods surrounding the house blocking out light most of the day. So, I struggled with figuring out where to take pictures and how to work with the less than ideal set up. I’m definitely not a photography expert, but I have figured out how to make my little, dark, carpeted space work. I have two studios set-up in my bedroom, lighting equipment, a tripod, and props that give my photos a signature look. I have a space dedicated to small product shots and another for shots of me modeling clothing. So, here’s what I’ve learned in the last three months making this space work for me: Natural light is a l w a y s better, but the sun doesn’t always cooperate. When I first moved into my new space, I was a slave to sunlight and would put off photographing if it was too cloudy. This isn’t good for business, so I decided to invest in some lights. I searched for photography lighting on Amazon and found these. They’ve been great for lighting up pictures of small items. Their light isn’t harsh since it’s bouncing off the umbrellas, they are super light, and easily stored. They’ve been a game-changer for me in my less-than-ideal space during the winter. Create a dedicated space. This is pivotal to developing a brand image, but it’s also important for me to be able to slide into taking pictures as seamlessly as possible. I don’t want to waste time setting up or put off taking photos because I’m lazy. In my last apartment, set up was minimal. All I did was drag the stuff I was photographing into the doorway and throw my rug on the floor — the lighting (a window), walls (white), floor (beautiful hardwood), and hooks (a built-in shelf) were already in place and I wasn’t storing much of anything (besides shoes) on the landing. Now, I use a white sheet, two rugs, two plants, a pillow, stools, lighting equipment, an accordion rack, and a tripod to achieve the look I want in my photos. I generally leave everything set up all the time, so the amount of time it takes for me to get into the photography groove is about the same as it was in my low maintenance space. This means I spend less time setting up and more time getting the shots I need so I can quickly move on to posting new listings. Have fun with props. Props are a great way to explore your aesthetic and create a unique look for your brand. When I had the wood floor and white walls, I went for a minimalist look. Now that I’m trying to overcome the carpet and taupe paint, I’ve found layering colors and textures to be helpful in creating a cool boho-inspired look for my product shots. I try to embody my brand inspiration (earthy + global boho wares) in my product photography. Whatever your style, use your props to communicate it to your customer! It’s hard to overestimate the importance of good photos when selling online, especially when competing against hundreds of other listings on Etsy or Google. So, invest in equipment and props that will enhance your photos and communicate your brand to potential customers. And finally, don't get discouraged if things don't work out. I'm constantly rethinking my studio space and trying to make it work for the inventory I'm shooting -- it's part of the fun & the work of our job! The last six weeks have been especially difficult for me. I’ve been struggling with an abrupt change in my life, but I’m working towards coping in a healthy way and figuring out how to grow from it. So, this is a post about how I’ve fallen apart and started trying to put myself back together.
If you follow me on Instagram, you might have an inkling of my life situation. For those of you who don’t know, I was dumped suddenly by my boyfriend/best friend/roommate in early October. It’s not an original story, but that certainly doesn’t make it hurt any less. As a result, my life has shifted in a monumental way and I don’t know where it’s headed right now. If you are feeling lost, confused, or like the universe has decided to take a dump on you — I feel ya, girl. That’s how I’ve been feeling for weeks. I won’t pretend to have everything figured out. I wish I would have reached some zen state where I could accept the past, wait for the future, and exist fully in the present. Instead I spend the day trying very hard not to obsess and forcing myself to do at least a few productive things (whether that’s just eating food or creating listings). That being said, there are a couple things I’ve discovered as a result of my heartbreak that I wouldn’t have found had it not happened. 1. An unexpectedly dope, supportive community You are probably already integrated into a community that wants to support you whether it’s a friend group, your family, or (if you’re like me) your Instagram fam. Opening up on Instagram about the rough time I’ve been going through has been one incredibly bright spot in all of this. I can’t believe how supportive and helpful that internet community has been, plus I can carry ya’ll around in my pocket and plug into the community whenever I need to! 2. I started reading Pema Chödrön I’m not even done with Start Where You Are, but I already know this book is life-changing. Pema is an American Buddhist monk who follows the Tibetan tradition. Her writing is accessible, straight forward, and very useful for anyone trying to integrate some forgiveness and grace into their lives. Pema talks about letting go and lightening up, not setting high expectations for others, and learning to take things as they come rather than forcing them to be what we hoped for. All of this has been immensely helpful to me as I try to move through life in a more graceful and less neurotic way. Sometimes, things are still really hard and all I can do is wonder how I went from living in a rad apartment with a boy I love to living in my parents’ spare bedroom struggling to find the right lighting to take pictures of stuff for my shop. Sometimes, everything feels pointless, so I peruse flights to Europe and imagine leaving everything here behind. But then I’d get there (wherever “there” is) and still feel the same way, just in a different city. So, all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk down this path. It’s different from what I imagined, but that doesn’t mean it’s worse (or better). We were never promised to get everything we wanted, in fact nothing was promised to any of us — which means we should be grateful for anything at all. I’m trying to be grateful for the heartache, the confusion, and the chance to see how I respond to an unexpected off road adventure in my life. I’m also trying to be grateful when I wake up in the morning healthy, running my own business, and in a relatively stable financial situation. I don’t know what will happen next or what I will do. I’ll enter this new phase with an open mind and see where this road take me. I do know that I’ll try to live for myself, rather than trying to live up to others’ expectations, and I will try not to set expectations for others. Rather, I’ll be a source of support and love, not judgement, for myself and everyone else in my life. I experience artistic paralysis in one of two ways: either I am flooded with a stifling lack of confidence or pelted with ideas too quickly to execute all of them. Usually, I feel both overwhelmed with ideas and a lack of confidence that I can successfully execute them. When I feel this way, it’s easier to just ignore my current project and focus on getting up-to-date with my shows on Hulu or mindlessly scrolling through Instagram. This is artistic paralysis and it’s something I wrestle with almost daily. I’ve managed to incorporate a few rituals and strategies for overcoming artistic paralysis into my life. I spend a lot of time learning how to cope with these feelings, accept them, and let them pass through without taking hold in my mind. 1. Avoid Instagram, Facebook, Etsy, Pinterest. Or anywhere else you go to connect with other makers and crafters. I find that these portals can trigger my artistic paralysis because I follow “successful” makers who sell more work than me, have more followers and stockists than me, and consistently create beautiful pieces. Comparing yourself to others, especially through a highly curated medium like Instagram or other social media platforms, is almost always toxic. I try to take social media breaks everyday, but I’ll avoid it all together if I’m in a particularly fragile mental space. 2. Go somewhere timeless. Find a place where, when you look around, you can’t tell what century you’re in. It could be a walk near the river, sitting on the beach, or lying in a meadow staring up at the sky. Leave your phone in the car too. Give yourself the time and space to enjoy the world. 3. Indulge in a medium that is not your own. Whether this means reading, visiting a museum, or learning a new craft from a friend, spend time engaging with a creative pursuit that you can enjoy without the pressure of doing it well. Also, you may find yourself inspired to bring something you learned or experienced back to your own work. 4. Practice honest self-care. Sometimes self-care is yoga, a long walk with my dog, or making a smoothie. Other times, self-care is delicious greasy Mexican food, binging on Netflix, or taking a nap in the middle of the day. Usually, I try to pick two from the first list and one from the second list. That way I get the confidence boost that comes from doing something good for me, then I get to do something that feels good for me. 5. Do something for someone else. I’m a consummate homebody, so making my home a little more livable for my boyfriend and dog are my preferred methods of altruism. I’ll do laundry, take my dog to the park, or cook dinner. You’ll feel accomplished afterwards — which is important when you can’t bring yourself to even look at your artwork let alone finish it. 6. Reframe your art as a practice. If you make your art a practice, something you do for yourself, then you don’t have to worry about making something that will please anyone else. Framing your art as a practice gives you the space to experiment without doubt because you are doing this exercise to build your skills and deepen your relationship with your craft. If I get too focused on creating for others, then doubt will overcome my creativity, and I will find myself unable to make anything. 7. Meditate. Sometimes I feel like making my art is pointless because it lacks a clear point-of-view, or it’s too derivative, or I just generally lack talent and have no business trying to build a creative business. These negative thoughts are crippling to the artistic process, so it’s important to figure out healthy coping strategies to keep them from overwhelming your mind. When I feel overcome with negative thoughts, I can relax and take a step back by visualizing myself on a cliff looking down at the thoughts as they pass through my consciousness. This meditation technique empowers me to observe a negative thought and then let it pass without allowing it to take hold and deepen its roots within me where it creates the artistic paralysis. Photo credit: decoholic.org This article also appears on Thought Catalog I was asked recently to mention a few small businesses that I admire. While there are many creative entrepreneurs, female creative entrepreneurs in particular, that are growing inspiring businesses and communities — there are a few that I find particularly rad. These women have helped me to shape my business, find my voice, and map out my goals for myself.
Finding my voice + noticing my aesthetic 〰️ There are many women in the vintage game that I find inspiring for all kinds of reasons. The women who run Boheme Goods, Generally Worn, and Experimental Vintage consistently blow me away with their trained eye, business acumen, and beautiful inventory. They each have a distinctive style that draws you into their world and makes you feel good about being there. Just a quick scroll through my Instagram to May will show how much my visual aesthetic has changed as I try to determine my shop’s style. I am drawn to the 70s as a time period (with some 60s and 90s thrown in), global craftsmanship, and natural fibers. Realizing this helped me to hone my style and sum it up in a short sentence to describe Southside Vintage: earthy + global boho vintage wares. This description helps me to curate my inventory, write the copy for each listing, and edit photos. Engaging with myself 〰️ I’ve been working on mining my past to remember what I wanted from my life when I imagined being an adult. As a kid I wanted to travel and write (I also wanted to be a marine mammal biologist, but I think I’ll settle for purchasing carbon offsets to keep my shop climate positive). So, I am working on figuring out how to achieve those dreams with this business. I started this blog to give myself a writing outlet, but I’d like to publish a book someday. I want to travel and traveling to source inventory for the shop sounds like a rad way to see the world. So far I’ve been able to travel to LA to source goods and I’m headed to Portland in a couple weeks where I’ll be doing a little sourcing too — but my dream is to travel to Marrakesh, Mali, India, and Thailand. I haven’t had longterm professional goals for a long time, but now I can imagine a dope future for myself and have big things to work towards. It’s refreshing and exciting, I almost feel like that kid again who imagined myself as an adult traveling and writing. Setting goals + intentions 〰️ Homestead Seattle is a rad vintage housewares shop in Seattle that I’ve been following on Instagram for a while. I am inspired by their aesthetic and amazing rugs, but I’m really interested in how they’ve integrated their AirBnB into their business. I think it’s a cool idea that makes their business interactive and provides an opportunity to experience their aesthetic on another level. I’m not an interior designer and my house is a hot mess most of the time, but managing an AirBnB property seems like it would be a fun challenge that would enable me to explore my burgeoning interest in design. While it’s important to set goals that fit with your personality and align with the life you imagined, it’s also important to stretch yourself with new challenges. I’m not in a position to purchase income property at this point, but maybe in a few years I can figure out how to make this goals a part of my reality. The low + slow grow 〰️ Marlee Grace of Soft Process (previously Have Company) is the queen of allowing her needs to guide her professional life. Have Company grew naturally from a zine, to a mobile shop, to a brick + mortar shop, a podcast, and finally a website before Marlee ended this project to move onto other pursuits that were a better fit for her current lifestyle. My business is certainly an expression of myself. I stock the shop with pieces I’d buy for myself, engage with customers in an authentic way, and enjoy the level of couch potato I can be while running my business (I’ve written this entire piece from my couch while watching reruns of RHONY). Chelsea Sonksen of Boss Ladies magazine runs a very self-aware business that nurtures creative female entrepreneurs and provides beautifully curated resources for women looking to grow their work. Chelsea has written and spoken about growing her business slowly and carefully, which is something I've incorporated into my business. I try to be very careful, methodical, and intentional as I move forward with Southside Vintage. I don't want to take on debt, make commitments I can't follow through with, or overlook the foundation of this business. This is the low and slow grow that will help me maintain the business and ensure it's something I can be proud of. One chilly March morning while staffing a booth at a sleepy farmers’ market, I started listening to the Have Company podcast (if you don’t know anything about Have Company or Marlee Grace, the woman behind it, go check it out now!) and felt the first tingle of excitement and opportunity that I’d felt in a long time. The first episode I heard was about owning a small creative business. I was thoroughly inspired by the entire conversation, but I was primarily interested in what Marlee and her guest (Sarah Schulweis of Anchor & Orbit [link]) referred to as the “woo” in business. This is the idea that there are some intuitive intangibles that drive creatives in their business practices. I’ve always been a pretty rational person whose comfort zone is centered on facts, logic, and peer reviewed work. That being said, there have been a few times in my life that I’ve abandoned major life plans and taken leaps of faith based on little more than a feeling. Learning to trust my intuition has been an interesting journey, but I think it has helped to guide me towards the life wanted for myself. 1. Notice your feelings, especially the bad ones. I chose not to attend graduate school a month before departing — something I’d been working towards for most of my life — because it felt wrong. I had a stomachache and was stressed to the point I could hardly sleep, until I finally made the conscious decision that I didn’t have to attend and that was okay. As soon as I let go of that plan, I felt lighter and more calm than I’d been in months. I’ve struggled with extricating my goals and needs from those of others for most of my adolescence and young adulthood — I tend to imagine what people expect of me and try to live up to those expectations, rather than figuring out what I want and letting my own intuition guide me. I am still learning how to surrender to the feelings I have and trust my intuition. 2. Trust your ability. About 20 years ago, I was in my Mom’s friend’s pool with my little brother cooling off. I’d been wearing water wings all summer, but that afternoon I felt it click inside me — the feeling that I actually knew how to swim flooded me. So, I pulled the wings off then started paddling around the pool on my own. Of course, I’d been taking lessons all summer and for years before, but at that moment I believed that I could do it and I did. The idea to start Southside Vintage also emerged from a feeling — as I meandered through thrift stores, I found myself itching to share my finds with others. After listening to the podcast, I realized that I could just try, that there was little to lose and a lot to gain from attempting to sell rad vintage online. I have worked in a brick & mortar vintage shop before (@shopoldgold), so it wasn’t a completely novel venture for me, but it was my first time buying and merchandising my own shop. Of course, I experienced (continue to experience) the usual fears — what if no one wants the pieces I buy? What if I can’t build an Instagram following? Still, I was guided by a feeling, rather than economics or a business plan (both of which I am currently trying to get a handle on), to purchase product and open up shop. In the ensuing four months, rather than encountering unsurmountable challenges, my business has grown every month and I’m in a place where the opportunities seem endless. I am more excited about my career than I have been in a long time because I can see where its headed and I know it’s going to be great. 3. Practice, practice, practice. I have started engaging in creative mapping, a practice inspired by the work of @softpractice, to plan out a vision for my business and future. I began by identifying inspiring business women and business models. From there, I am working on setting goals for myself and my business — both in the present and the future. Some goals are more immediate (write a new blog post every week), others have already been realized (quitting my day-job and going full-time with the shop!), and others are long-term stretch goals (write a book, own an AirBnB property). By continuing to return to my goals, I can maintain the woo in my business and be sure that my own intuition is guiding my life path. 4. Express gratitude. I’m grateful to have such a strong support system as I’ve pursued this venture — my family, my boyfriend (who has dealt with an intense amount of crazy stuff since I started a business in our small apartment), my customers, and Instagram buds — because you guys keep me going when the orders are slow to come in. You have all helped to inspire me, push me, and prove that I can trust myself. How do you put the woo in your business and/or life? Are you good at trusting your intuition, or do you allow yourself to be swayed by the expectations of others? Let me know in the comments below or shoot me an email ([email protected]). Drastic changes in weather can be disruptive to my routine, my internal clock, and ability to cope with stress. This season also happens to be a busy time at my day job, so taking time to grow Southside Vintage compounds the stress I’m already experiencing. Therefore, it is necessary to identify some healthy coping mechanisms. 1. Take a deep breath and chill out for a minute. Not everything is going to get done. There are things that are out of your control and you can’t make anything better when you wake up in a panic at 3:00am. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night 5 out of the last 7 nights with my mind racing, thinking about all the things I’ve got to do. It’s really not a productive use of time. I’d be better off getting a good night’s sleep, so I’m better prepared to deal with everything the next day. Therefore, I’ve got to remind myself to take a deep breath and chill out. In the middle of the night, I’ll get a drink and pet my dog — avoid laying in bed tossing and turning, definitely resist the urge to scroll through Instagram — and just relax. 2. Do two things for yourself. Do one thing that’s external and will flood you with those good feelings immediately. For me, those things are greasy food and TV binges. Do another thing that will provide a restorative space for you to recharge and relax. This could be a massage, meditation, yoga, or a walk around the neighborhood. Even just quiet time laying in bed or taking a shower can provide the space to recalibrate from a busy, disquieting day. 3. Practice self-forgiveness. Self-care is important for dealing with stress, but it’s also necessary to incorporate a healthy dose of self-forgiveness into your daily internal conversation to ensure you aren’t contributing to your own stress and negative thoughts. Marlee of @softpractice (an incredibly inspiring woman) mentioned in one of her recent podcasts that “self-forgiveness is the homework of her life,” which is something I identify with. Learning how to forgive myself, or at least being as forgiving with myself as I am with others, is important when trying to destress. I can’t get everything done, some things will fall through the cracks, deadlines will be missed, but that’s all okay. We are not going to get through everything and remain balanced. We must prioritize our own needs, accomplish what we can in the time allotted, and forgive ourselves for the things we can't or don't do. |