Four months ago I ended a relationship with a verbally-abusive alcoholic who was also dealing with mental illness. I spent two months after the split trying to fix him so he’d see that we should be together. I wanted to save him from himself because it made me feel worthy. I was outsourcing my self-worth, something I’ve struggled with for most of my life. Finally, two and a half months after we broke up, I told him I needed space to move on. I’m not sure what finally gave me the strength to do it, but it was like another part of me took over. I think of it as the “big sister” part of me that shows up to protect the hurt and scared younger sister part of me. Since cutting off contact, I started down a path of self-development, self-acceptance, and self-love. I’ve also gotten excited about my business, decorating my own apartment, and deepening friendships. My life is fuller, more exciting, and happier than it was while in my relationship. I listen to podcasts like Almost 30, Over It and On With It, and Self Service to reconnect with and learn how to care for myself. I’m reading books on co-dependence and meditation. I am delving into a spiritual journey which has led me back to astrology, something I was deeply interested in as a kid. All of this is to say that I am really fucking happy right now. Honestly, happier than I’ve been in years, but there is still a darkness that’s got its hooks in me. This darkness, the hurt and anger around the end of my relationship, has kept me from returning to yoga, starting a meditation practice, and tends to rear up right when I’m trying to fall asleep. I pack my days with activities and I’m constantly stimulating my mind with work, news, podcasts, or books. I know I’m avoiding the scary emotions that I want so badly to just leave behind. I was searching for something to help me work through the resentments I carry, but I wasn’t sure how to do it. That was, until I listened to the most recent episode of Self Service, a rad self-care podcast that everyone should be listening to, in which Jessica Lanyadoo (one of my favorite astrologers) talked about dedicating the upcoming moon cycle to a forgiveness ritual. In the podcast (and in a recent article), Lanyadoo reframes forgiveness as an act of self-healing that will set you free. She writes that “forgiveness is not about letting the ‘bad guy’ off the hook; it’s about taking the hook out of your own heart.” This is exactly what I needed to hear. I cannot condone the way I was treated in my relationship, but I can do the work of forgiving my ex in order to fully embrace the new life I’m creating for myself. Lanyadoo lays out a plan for a forgiveness exercise that begins on February 15th, with the new moon, and closes with the next new moon on March 17th. Lanyadoo suggests writing down everyone you are holding resentment towards — big or small — then taking a moment with each name to breathe and just feel everything that comes up. Stay present with those feelings, don’t skip to the end or dull your emotions, instead remain in that space and give your feelings the acknowledgement they deserve. Then, forgive that person. Lanyadoo goes on to say that if you cannot forgive at this time, then forgive yourself, and move on down the list. Continue this practice daily. I’ll be starting this new ritual on Thursday. I like that it provides dedicated time to feel the yucky stuff, which means that when it comes up during the day I can just put it aside and feel it later during the ritual. To be honest, I’m scared of doing this. I don’t want to cry anymore and I’m afraid of falling back into the bottomless depression I experienced the first months after the break up. But, with this plan and action steps, it feels more manageable. Plus, if some of you readers decide to do it with me we can support each other! So, here we go — let’s forgive the lame-os that hurt us and get to work accessing our higher selves by letting go and lightening up. PS I’ll be attending a manifestation workshop with Jessica Lanyadoo on March 3rd at Little Paper Planes in San Francisco. If you’re available, you should come! I’m super interested in learning more about manifestation (I am pretty sure I manifested my apartment) and excited to learn more about it from a dope astrologer. UPDATE: IT'S SOLD OUT. I'll write up a post about it after!
1 Comment
Baskethead
2/13/2018 02:08:45 pm
This was very brave and well-written. I loved how you said your bigger sister self and little sister self - I have always looked at myself the same way. You got this! ❤️
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